I really don't know why a doctor under a hippocratic oath takes the
risk of something going badly wrong, sometimes with general
anaesthetic, because someone can't be bothered to go for a fucking run.

They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want
to say to them, 'You lazy f---ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop
eating burgers. You might fucking die'.

Some things are not worth the risk. When someone's facial surgery
goes wrong because they wanted plumper lips or a little nose, I think
they're a fucking idiot.

If your arse is too fucking fat, stop eating and go for a run.

I heard someone on the radio once say that they were tired of the
prejudice aimed at the overweight. They said something like "you're not
allowed to make fun of gay people, so why are you allowed to make fun
of fat people? It's the same thing.

It's not the same thing though, is it? Gay people are born that
way. They didn't work at becoming gay. Fat people became fat because
they would rather be that way than stop eating so much. They had to eat
and eat to get fat. Then, when they were fat they had to keep up the
eating to stay fat. For gayness to be the same as fatness, gay people
would have to start off straight but then ween themselves onto cock.
Soon they're noshing all day getting gayer and gayer. They've had more
than enough cock... they're full... they're just sucking for the sake
of it. Now they're overgay, and frowned upon by people who can have the
occasional cock but not over indulge.

When a doctor tells me that that's how you become gay, I'll stop making jokes about fat people.

Over-protective parents can now get their baby a bullet-proof pram.

A man caught near New South Wales's Nobbys Beach with his penis
in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20kmh car chase, has had his day
in court.

Newcastle police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Weatherley attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20
kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He
refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that
Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts
of wrestling".

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.

He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself "decent".

He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour and convicted of the other two offences without further action.

 From here

The perfect soccer throw-in

How to fix you glasses with a pencil - I can see this catching on.

Don't drink milk while watching this video or it will come out your nose.

Final call for...

From the "it's funny because it's true" department at The Onion.

Senate Wins Fight To Lower Allowable Amperage Levels On Detainees' Testicles

WASHINGTON, DC—Led by a bipartisan group of senators critical of White House policy on suspected terrorists, the Senate passed a bill Thursday that prohibits interrogators from exceeding 100 amps per testicle when questioning detainees. "Even in times of war, it is counterproductive and wrong to employ certain inhumane interrogation techniques, and using three-digit amperage levels on the testicles of captives constitutes torture," said Sen. John Warner (R-VA), who has also supported reducing the size of attack dogs and the height of nude pyramids. "Using amperages of 99 and lower, with approved surge protectors on the jumper-cable clamps, are the hallmarks of a civilized society." The legislation did not address amperage restrictions on suspected terrorists' labia.

I agree with the sentiment presented on this page (although for anyone in the know I prefer Sensation Black over Sensation White).

Can't afford laser eye surgery? Do it yourself!

Stan : "Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my friend. Why can't God take someone else's friend?"

Chef : "Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?"

Stan : "But then, why does God give us anything to start with?"

Chef : "Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power."

Stan : "I think I understand."

Parody of the Australia tourism ad.

This one had me laughing out loud - how to get as much salad on your plate as possible at the salad bar when you are only allowed one visit - hint: use carrots to expand the area of your plate.

The goal of the game is pretty straightforward. You have to drive a Bus through the desert from Tucson, Arizona to Las Vegas. The hard part is that the whole trip is in real-time, so it takes 8 hours at least. There is no scenery or even other cars on the road, just plain desert, for 8 hours. Oh, and your bus veers to the right just slightly, so it’s impossible to just tape down a button and go do something else. Rumor has it that if you make it to Vegas, you score one point.
Get it here

From The Daily Show:

"Jon, tonight the Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time-there-were-quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be the 78 year old man. Even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists-he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face."